Sometimes it's not all sunshine and rainbows

It was suggested to me by a very honest and trustworthy source to give an account of my not-so-fabulous days here in Barcelona. I figured out what my problem is- when things are going wonderfully I run to my computer because I'm so excited to write it all down. So when I have a hard moment/time/day, I don't write it down because I don't want to relive it, or make people think I'm being a Debbie Downer.

Truth is, this past week has been emotionally very difficult. I got a teaching job which I started last Monday at this language academy. It was the first job that even was offered to me, the one that my friend Erin here gave me before she left to return to the States. I'm teaching a group of 8 5 year olds for an hour and a half, 2x/wk, and a group of 3 9 year old girls for an hour and a half 2x/wk as well. The first day of teaching 5 year olds was in a word, awful. I HATE raising my voice at anyone, and the kids were running around the classroom, not paying attention. There were random moments when they seemed to like the activities, but there were 2 kids in particular who kept fighting and wouldn't listen me to stop, so I basically felt like a horrid teacher. And of course the director, Eva, came in and told me that my class was out of control and it was unacceptable. I wanted to cry afterwards, but told myself it was just the first day, has to get better.

And I guess it did get better, somewhat. The 9 year old girls are fun, and relatively easy, and love learning so I don't mind teaching them and coming up with fun stuff for them to do. The class I had with them on Thursday was really great as I actually taught them grammar that they remembered! So positive spot in the week right there.

As far as the 5 year olds go, and this is going to sound terrible so matter how I say it, I realized I should have trusted my first instincts. I don't really like children at this point in my life. I don't want to spend time with them, I don't want to babysit, and I really don't like trying to teach kids the colour Orange when they're more interested in beating each other up and yelling in Catalan.

I'm usually a "guilt sponge", as I've heard it called before, but this time I can't shake the guilt. I feel bad that I took a job merely to have a job and some sort of income, but its with an age group I have zero interest in, whereas I know a few people who would absolutely LOVE to work with kids. Not sure what to do, other than give it another week and see how it goes.

I was worried about posting all this, for fear that I sound ungrateful, which isn't how I feel nor is it my intention. I know that everyday here is a gift, and I really do love it, its just that everyday also has some sort of struggle- whether its not understanding how to send a simple letter through the post office, or searching for a word in spanish that I have no clue of, or feeling really homesick and far away from so many people. and feeling guilty for being here in the first place, that's probably my biggest thing.

I'll see how this week goes with teaching, and if I still feel out of place, then I'll talk to the director and see her thoughts on it.

positive thought to end this: Going to Madrid this coming weekend to see my friend Kate from the TEFL program, very excited!